You want your "soulmate" IMperfect

 

So, let’s talk about this whole thing about finding your soul mate "established" and stuff... This article may liberate you from Atelophobia.

Let me get this right: you want somebody who’s grown, stable and fully mature. You want to find them tried, tested, dusted and done. You want to find them properly established, and knowing where they’re going. You don’t want somebody with baggage; you don’t want somebody who’s got drama and issues. You want to settle down with somebody who is sure of themselves, has a distinguishable identity which is set and doesn’t necessarily “need” you. Fair enough. 

Now, I want you to think about yourself and answer the following questions:

• Are you absolutely certainly whole? 
• Are you grown, stable and copiously mature? 
• Have you been tried, tested, done and dusted? 
• Have you completely established yourself? 
• You are so sure of yourself and you know exactly what’s ahead of you and what awaits you there? 
• You have no baggage at all? 
• No issues and no potential drama? 
• Is your identity set and cast in stone? 

Oh yes, you're probably working on it but you're not there yet, is that it?

Here’s something I’m thinking about lately, and I’d like you to think about it too. I’ve indicated in my previous blogs that I am an absolute believer of people’s omnipresent defects. What I mean is; everybody is b/r/u/i/s/e/d or b-r-o-k-e-n. We may be victors and conquerors and not have fallen perilously prey to our circumstances, but it is undeniable that we are products (if not victims) of our circumstances and past experiences. This is what makes us so different; our temperament, our emotional intelligence, beliefs and behavior is shaped by what we went through; good or bad. 

Let me cut to the chase. Is it possible to find somebody who is unblemished, un-bruised, whole and perfect? The answer to this question is a quick and sharp no. I’ll ask a couple more questions; when will you finish growing? When will you get to the point where you feel like; “You know what; I’m grown, I’ve matured, I’m done”? The truth is; we don’t stop growing, and the journey to self-discovery is a never-ending one. Take it from me: nobody has it perfectly together; we're all just sort of winging it.  

Personality traits that I was so sure were mine just about a year ago are traits that I have completely lost. Things I used to enjoy just a few years ago and I would’ve sworn that I would do them til I died, are addressed with a queer disinterest by me at the moment.  I have always been sure of myself and my identity, but 2015 has been a year of self-discovery and self-development to another level. New experiences, books, endeavors and encounters with new, different and diverse people revealed certain interests, weaknesses, aspirations, approach to life, philosophies and appreciations that I wouldn’t have discovered otherwise. 

Here’s my point: had I met "Prince Charming" last year, would I have hesitated to declare my unfailing certainty in my character, aspirations and ideologies? Probably not. Last year, you would have met a young woman, so sure of herself and ready to get married to somebody who is equally certain about themselves. I mean, the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe it’s not such a good idea to seek out somebody who is whole, done and dusted to pair up with for marriage, because it would be a great disappointment when their interests and aspirations change some years down the line, that they seem like a completely different person at 35 than the person you married at 26. 

You cannot write people off because they have bruises, baggage and issues. Your purpose, after all, is to serve people, yes? What if your purpose in that person’s life is to serve their brokenness? I recently watched a sermon by Pastor Dharius Daniels and he said something like this; 

“the character or habit in somebody’s life, which you complain so much about, may be the exact reason you are in that person’s life.”

I wholeheartedly believe that God is the one who mends our broken hearts; he is a healer and a restorer. I also believe that God’s instruments are his people. God uses people to accomplish certain things in other people’s lives. God’s answers to your prayers sometimes come on two legs, a beating heart and a kind mouth. Are you faithful enough, for God to partner up with you in order to bring healing and restoration in another person’s life? Do you look down on another person’s mess and walk away, because before you can entertain them, they have to get their mess in order? Is it not possible that maybe their brokenness is what makes you relevant? 

Look at it this way; would God have made Eve had Adam not needed Eve? God looked at Adam and thought “Whoa, this guy is not not alright, he’s broken, it isn't cool for him to be alone and he needs a little help, he needs somebody in his life. I’m gonna make for him a help-meet to meet him half way and serve him in the areas that he needs assistance in”. If Adam was completely whole, perfect and not in need of a partner, Eve would be quite irrelevant, no? Here’s the question: how are you of relevance if you want to get into a relationship with somebody that doesn’t need your help? If you want somebody whose life you cannot make better, what is your purpose in their life? This question goes for both men and women. 

Now hear me; I am not saying that you should go out there and hook up with aimless, purposeless, unstable and overly issuatic people so you can “fix” them. That would be quite stupid. What I’m saying is; if you seek perfection, you will not find it. If you overlook people because of their brokenness, you are more in love with your ego, that you’re not about to be used to improve anybody’s life. 

You don’t want to marry a perfect person, because you would be guilty of ruining their perfect life with your innumerous imperfections. You are also not prepared to settle down with somebody who is done growing and does not expect you to change, because that would be too much pressure and strain on the notion of personal development. Part of knowing yourself is; understanding that you probably won’t stay exactly the same, so you want somebody who will help you find more of yourself, somebody to complement your brokenness and somebody whose brokenness you can handle. Otherwise, you will never be good enough for anybody and nobody will ever be good enough for you. 

Be whole, yes, but prepare to find more of yourself as well. Find yourself before getting involved with somebody, yes, but be prepared to develop this self that you find and to also grow the self of the person you find yourself with, because y’all ain’t done growing. There are some people who will reveal yourself to you, and it may be God’s way of grooming and shaping you. If nobody has it completely together, you are definitely called to your greater purpose to serve those people in your life (spouse, friends, family and strangers alike) You can only serve and love truly where weaknesses are revealed, not where there are no weaknesses to confront. Be somebody that seeks and strives for progress, not perfection. 

Just remember,