30 Reasons you are actually a miserable person

This is my December gift to you; a  a list of things you should persistently commit to in order to be a miserable person. Do at least ten of these things and I ensure you that you will be the worst person ever! I am guilty of at least 23% of these, but here's to personal development :) 

1. You don’t know the difference between acquaintanceship and friendship. Some people have acquaintance-zoned you, but you’re too ignorant to tell. And you give way too many friend benefits to people who are actually just acquaintances.

2. You don’t like yourself much. Two major problems with this: 1. You can’t possibly genuinely like other people (with their flaws and all) and 2. You think people are fake when they actually  like you.

3. You believe that life is unfair more especially to you and bad things are always happening to you. The problem is; you will always be selfish, because, compared to yours,  other people’s problems are too insignificant to consider. 

4. When somebody politely asks you to do something for them, you think it’s bad manners to say no, even if you really want to say no. Learn to say no without having to explain yourself.

"But let your 'yes' be 'yes', and your 'no', 'no. For whatever is more than these is from the evil one." - Jesus

5. You keep doing what is expected of you, completely ignoring your own voice. I’m advocating for emancipation from societal pressure. Refer to number 4 above.

6. You think people are neglecting you and they don’t care about you when they haven’t spoken to you in a while. I’m sorry, gently grab your phone and give them a call, maybe, yes?

7. You haven’t learned the difference between infatuation and love, so you are always super heart-broken when people get over you and dump you after six months.

8. You never celebrate other people’s  achievements. You may say an obligatory “Congratulations” but you don’t really care; you could care less if your friend graduated or got a new job or whatever. You have to learn to be happy for others. 

9. You don’t realize that people are completely different. You assume that just because you can go to work while suffering from a flu, everybody else should also be able to. Just because you can quickly move on after a break-up, your friends are stupid for not being able to Stop.

10. You treat rich people way better than you treat those who don’t have money. The bible might just have written that you may actually burn in hell for that *hides* 

11. You never apologize, because you are always right and apologizing wounds your pride. News flash: you’re an idiot.

12. You don’t know how to be single, so you’re constantly in a relationship (or an undefined situationship) with somebody. This will catch up with you emotionally, sexually and socially in the long run. 

13. You compare your behind the scenes life with other people’s highlighted scenes; feeling miserable for not having a car or a house at the age of 30 when who and who got their cars at 25 and 28. Your journeys and paths are different; there's always going to be somebody doing better, but thank God life is not a competition.

14. It’s almost impossible for you to experience anything without sharing it on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter for likes, double-taps & retweets - major validation-seeking. “It didn’t happen unless the world has seen it,” right? Next time, before you tell us on social network that you just had a great talk with your mum, or you just enjoyed a meal at Hilton, or that you were churching this morning, please pause and ask yourself this; “Why am I doing this?”

15. You drink alcohol like it’s going out of fashion, so jy is poop dronk every week & you do things you will regret the following morning. Why, buddy, why?

16. You treat people like crap and expect them not to “catch feelings” or “take offence” because they should be strong and mature enough to take it. Like, who do you think you are, mate?

17. You have people you dislike for no particular reason. Like, if you think about it; you die for jealousy ooo!

18. You haven’t learned the difference between disrespecting your parents and actually having grown into an adult yourself who can disagree with them. Now you’re trapped and tied to whatever they tell you to do. 

19. You keep setting new years’ resolutions, because Cosmopolitan, Drum magazine or Suoma the Lifecoach says you should, but they are never your actual resolutions so you never actually stick them through and you feel miserable at the end of the year for not having gone through with them.

20. You don’t know how to be a Christian and hang out with a Muslim. You don’t like white people because they colonized your ancestors. You hate atheists. You don’t hold the door for black people because you’re white. You don't like "foreigners." You need to shoot yourself.

21. You buy things you don’t NEED with money you don’t necessarily have, so you always have debts. You, my friend, are a prisoner, a slave. Avoid debts like a plaque. 

22. You have premarital sex using a condom or taking the morning after pill the following day and you judge girls who have gotten pregnant before marriage. Shame on you. 

23. You have sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend, fornicating all the way and you can’t stand gay people because "God said" homosexuality is a sin. Shoot yourself. Now.  

24. You are a Christian but speak out against churches that preach being born again, as if they pulled the scripture out of a hat. Please. Read. Your. Bible. 

25. You passionately hate your job, but you believe you don’t have a choice so you stay there. Repeat after me: I AM A SLAVE. 

26. You are in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t love or respect you and doesn’t make an effort to serve you and meet you halfway, but you remain because you might not find somebody else who at least gives you a few minutes of 24 hours. Dear child, you are far too worthy. Dysfunctional relationships must end. 

27. You are easily annoyed and you have a short temper; which isn’t a problem. It becomes a major problem when you feel the need to express your anger and irritation absolutely every time you feel it. Please, just calm down.

28. You are constantly talking about other people & their wrong decisions; who’s getting married prematurely, who’s getting divorced, and who’s sleeping with whom for money, who wore a cheap dress to an event, who should get a job, who should break up with who, who needs to get a job etc. Get a life.

29. You expect people to make your life better; your friends, your girlfriend, your Pastor, your children, because it’s their responsibility. Forgive us for being too busy with our own miseries to notice yours.

30. You are blindsided by your weaknesses. You never “budget” for your own mistakes. When you make a bad decision, you get so disappointed in yourself and you beat yourself up. Understand this: life has only begun for you and here’s to a future of bigger screw-ups. Get used to it.

If I have offended you with any of the points on this list, then I'm honored to say; I have done my job. Please feel free to add in the comments anything else you believe makes miserable people miserable. I'd like to learn from you.