Courtship Confusion

The traditional definition of courtship entails “to pursue someone (a girl, naturally)” with the intentions of marrying them. The idea is for a guy to call the girl’s house and ask her out several times until she agrees to get into a relationship with him. After the girl says yes, the two young ones get engaged for marriage. Klaar.

The neo-courtship, as I’ve been taught, is just the replacement of what we call “dating”. This is despite the fact that the traditional definition of “dating” is quite similar to the original “courting”: going out on several dates (hence the term ‘date’), until you decide to get into a committed relationship (leading to engagement for marriage). 

Fast-forward, a couple of 100 years later: Dating means: boyfriend & girlfriend, two people in a monogamous relationship and are committed to each-other. All marital benefits may or may not be part of the package – exclusivity, sex etc. Whether or not they intend on getting married is not a necessary consideration. 

The neo-courtship is the “Christians” way of “dating” – Being in an exclusive relationship with almost all marital benefits accruing thereto, except physical intimacy. BUT of course, some Christians throw in a little physical intimacy; you know, the kissing, the cuddling, as long as they don’t cross “the line”. But the goal, unlike “dating” is to ultimately put a ring on it.

So, when I talk about ‘courtship’ in this blog, I’m talking about ‘neo-courtship’

1. Courtship is not biblical 

Nowhere in the bible will you find a girlfriend-boyfriend situation. You will not find authority for it and you will not find straight-forward direction or instruction on it. So, basically, we’re all just winging it – according to our moral-o-meter “how comfortable are you with how far it goes?”

2. Hence the confusion…

You’re not married. But you’re not single. So what are you? Semi-married, semi-single, semi-definitely-taken, semi-not legally-taken, almost married, but still single… 

3. It’s not testing the waters…

Courtship is for marriage. You should only get in when you wanna put a ring on it, and not to “check” whether you could put a ring on it. This means that, unless you know the person very well and are satisfied enough to marry them – do not court them. 

4. …So you’re technically married

Or at least “engaged to be married”. You can’t court other people. You mark your territory in the other person’s life and potential suitors know to stay away. In fact, you aren’t single-to-mingle. Decisions have to be made together, since you’re gonna get married anyway. You basically have to conduct yourself as you would if you were already married.

5. …Which begs the question…

“How far?” Where do you cross the line? How do you “act” almost-married? Is “sex” the only thing that’s off the table? Should the girl do his laundry? Should the guy “provide” for her financially? Should she cook for him? Should they make financial decisions together? Can they live together? To what extent are relatives involved in the union?

6. Intimacy

Check: this is my argument neh. Emotional intimacy is as deep as sexual intimacy. After being in a “courtship” for a minute, I realised that the only difference between that and what married people have is that physical intimacy is off the table, but you’re intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and all-other-things-lly intimate. It gets kinda hard to draw the line… For all intents and purposes, and as far as everybody is else is concerned, you sort of “belong to each other” so much so, that a break-up will be as messy as a divorce…

7. So, the question is…

What then is the difference between marriage and courtship?? Honestly, bits me. 

8. So, how long?

That’s an important question. How long should you court before you marry? Most people subscribe to a few months of courtship, in order to avoid sexual immorality. Which method is near-catastrophic, in my opinion, because in 3 months’ time, you won’t really know what you’re getting yourself into. You shouldn’t be in a rush to marry someone just to avoid “sex”, but then again, you shouldn’t court for too long either, lest you do cross “the line”.

9. The right question

The correct question is not “how long” or “how what-what”, but rather “how ready are you?” Only court someone you are well acquainted with and are ready to marry. After working with so many Divorce clients, discontented, disgruntled and disappointed people, I know that marriage is not a joke, so you better know what you’re getting yourself into, but more importantly; you better know (and accept) who you’re getting in it with!

Yours in winging-it,