Do you know about the pre-relationship?

This blogging thing has got me feeling like some type of relationship expert, though...

Disclaimer: The views and wisdom expressed in this blog do not reflect the state of my love life in any way. Or lack thereof, rather…

Remember when we were younger and boys would write notes to girls asking them to be their girlfriends? The girl would then tick in the appropriate box YES or NO. Oh no wait, that’s just in the American movies. Where I’m from (the north), a boy asked you nicely to be his girlfriend, and if you showed hints of resistance, brother-man would just twist your arm into obedience. Little savages.  

     

Anyway, my point is: relationships were quite easier then (if we can call them relationships at the age of 12). If there was someone in your life, at least you knew for sure if you were in a relationship-relationship or not.

Things have changed quite dramatically. Guys don’t even ask anymore (Like, what's up with that, boys?). Nowadays, people just start hanging out a lot, next thing you know they’re in some-type-of-sorta-kinda-something. I don’t even know how people have relationship “anniversaries” anymore these days. Like, “Oh, we kinda started chatting in May, went out a couple of times, made out in June, then we got official when we bought each other Valentine’s presents. I think.”

Allow me to introduce you to the pre-relationship. 

There’s usually that stage when you are really close to someone, with whom you are not in a relationship but you’re not “just” friends. I am not talking about those flings that have been going on for years and years, without any specific destination. That’s some sort of soul-tying witchcraft. A pre-relationship is a potential relationship.

A pre-relationship is quite a very necessary stage, actually. It’s not a confusion-ship or a complicated-ship, it’s just some sort of bridge, the getting-to-know-each-other dating phase, but you’re hesitant to ask the big question which is “So, are we like in a relationship?”.

 A pre-relationship differs from a situationship, in the following manner: 

                          Pre-relationship                              Situationship

• Lasts a couple of weeks or 6 months Is what a pre-relationship turns into if not defined                                         
• Necessary                                                 BAD
• Feels like start of something                         Feels like continuation of nothing
• Exciting                                                         Draining
• Valley of decision                                         Valley of confusion
• Q: “Is this going to be  a good relationship?"   Q: “What the hell is this?” 

So, the definition of a Pre-relationship will go something like:

You like each-other but can’t exchange the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend YET. You are basically weighing the possibility of being in a relationship with this person.

Most times, we get it mixed up (especially girls) and assume we’re in a relationship already, we start acting like it, and then when the other party decides that they don’t wanna get onto that relationship after all, you get all frustrated. Know the stages of a relationship, please.

It’s either you want this pre-relationship to turn into a relationship or you might want it to stop. The following are things that I believe kill a relationship before it’s even born (abortion, anyone?) 

1. Sex 

Having sex too early is a killer. Sex changes everything, so if you plan on not waiting until marriage (which you definitely should and which Jesus and I highly recommend.), it’s better to be absolutely sure about someone before you get that physical, Sometimes, girls think that having sex will speed up the process and solidify a relationship but guys don’t exactly see it that way. Keep your flyers zipped. 

2. Clinginess 

A guy who insistently and constantly clings to a girl becomes dangerously unattractive, and a girl who does the same is a crazy-clinger alert. You had a life before you met this person. Please maintain your individual lives & don’t be all over each other. I’ve lost so many friends to pre-relationships, and when things didn’t take off, they crawl back home shamelessly. 

3. The Friendzone

I am a huge advocate of friendship before relationship, yes, but friendship is not exactly the same as friendzone-ship. You should be weary of the dreaded zone. When you get into a sort of kind of pre-relationship with somebody, from the beginning, be clear and let them know “Hey look I’m not here to be your friend, I’m interested in you and that’s that.” You should put it cooler than that, but you get my drift. Coz once you get stuck in the friend-zone, things just get really awkward.

4. Issues

As much as people want to know where you come from, who you are and what you’re all about, trust me on this one: nobody wants to know about all the junk in your yard THAT soon. It makes people freak out because you seem like you’re a whole lot of baggage to handle and people get scared; they don’t want a responsibility; they want a relationship. So baggage offloading is a relationship killer.

5. Ex Comparisons 

Look, unless your previous relationship ended because your ex died, they obviously weren’t that great, otherwise you’d still be together. So don’t have expectations for your next to be as “awesome” as your ex. Nobody likes the glory stories of their predecessors; “Oh. My ex was so understanding, my ex used to do this and that so well, my ex this, my ex that…” Seriously? Staahp. On the flip-side, if your ex was terrible, congratulations for chipping out, lets close that chapter and move on! Nobody, and I repeat, nobody likes to be compared to past regrets. 

6. Acting

Some people are quite clueless, but most people can see right through your pretence. You aren’t fooling anybody by pretending to love video games just because your potential boyfriend likes them or acting like you are financially balling just to impress that girl. Don’t try too hard. The purpose of a pre-relationship is NOT to get someone to fall in love with you, but rather to establish whether you genuinely like them, and you afford them the same chance to do the same. If somebody senses a bit of fakeness in that relationship, it will probably not take off. Even if it does, you will be miserable in it. So just be yourself. 

7. Being Busy 

Everybody is busy, so get over it. When you are into someone, you should make time for them. Period. If you don’t spend enough time together with somebody you’re in a pre-relationship with, you will not really get to know them, and you will inevitably get over each other anyhow, because whatever you feel for them so far is not enough to sustain a relationship. Also, if you’re that busy, maybe you shouldn’t be entertaining a relationship at all.

8. Third Parties

The truth is: diamonds sparkle from a distance. The grass may be greener on the side. Someone else can take your sweetheart’s attention off of you. You’re chatting all the time, hanging out and what not, and suddenly, he just stops calling or whatever. (happened to me) He may be busy, yes. But he may also have found another interest. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do about it. You’ll text her to hang out and she’ll hit you with something like “Do you remember Tom? Yeah, he and I are kinda courting now, so I’ll see you at church on Sunday.” Brutal. 

9. Playing House

“Bae-cationing” already? No! You guys aren’t even “baes” yet. We all know it gets really exciting to hang out with somebody new in your life but try not to speed things up. A pre-relationship is like a trailer to a movie, you don’t give everything away in a pre-relationship. The trailer is basically saying: “this is how it’s going to be if you get into a relationship with me.” Waking up in the same room after a couple of weeks of getting to know each other is a no-no. Someone is still warming up to you and already, you want to greet them with your morning breath. Ogg. 

On a concluding note, stay away from the parents until you’re like super solid. You can’t drag parents into your games. They will even emotionally blackmail you if you decide not to get into a relationship with their child. And if they’re monstrous, they’ll scare you from pursuing a possibly great relationship.