To the 20something year-old sistah

So, I went on a date with this other eligible hunk a couple of months ago. (Yes, I do go on dates sometimes. And yes, there are eligible hunks around here…) We were on the subject of relationships, (obviously) and I was on a rant, explaining to him why so many men are just below standard, and lo and behold, he turned the tables, squinted his eyes, stared right at me and almost-whispered this question; “What do you have to offer? Why should anybody marry you?” Yup, threw me right off. Let’s ignore his arrogance. We’ll appreciate his straight-forwardness and the lesson I learned, which I’m about to share with you, ladies…

Also, the sad reality and truth of the matter is that good women are so few and far apart. No kidding. 

It got me thinking alright. 

Value addition. Why should anybody be eager to marry you instead of, say, somebody else? Or instead of being alone rather? What value are you prepared to add that could motivate a guy to give up the life of a bachelor? 

1. The cookie

Our number one treasure. Somebody said to me: “Really, it’s just a cookie”. I was quite shocked myself, if not utterly offended. “What do you mean it’s JUST a cookie? It’s not JUST a cookie, it’s a piece of heaven,” my mind protested. But apparently, it may not be JUST that, but it’s definitely not enough to bring to the table. If "sex" is all you're bringing to the table, you're a disgrace to the women race. Besides, a non-purity-pledging man can settle for getting it from whoever is available and willing, whenever and he doesn’t necessarily have to “marry” for it. Like they say, you may be able to do all kinds of kinks, flips & styles in bed, but if that man ain’t bent on wfing you, he ain’t wifing you. Yes, ladies, the cookie may be just quite overrated.

2. You can cook? How cute.

The way to man’s heart may be through his stomach, but that may not necessarily be the way to the altar… Unfortunately, you can whip it, whisk it, fry it and bake it like Jamie Oliver, and that man will NOT put a ring on it if he isn’t convinced about your wivery potential.

3. What’s love got to do with it?

First of all, believe me on this one: very few men marry for love, as we know it. That’s our thing, not theirs. They marry for convenience, they marry strategically, they marry based on logic. I’ve come to learn that most men had fallen in love in their teens or early twenties and have gotten their hearts severely broken, from which they never quite recovered, but secretly vowed to never “fall” again. He may be quite smitten for you, but when a man grows a bit older, he realizes that he will not make a life decision based on that cute aspect alone. 

4. MONEY

You intend on building a life with this man, yes, not a company. I totally understand that. But a life that is well-built reflects in its financial well-being. Whoever you intend on settling with is inevitably your financial partner. Nobody wants a bad financial partner. Your spending habits, your saving plans, your attitude towards money need to be quite smart.

Whereas I agree that it is absolutely horribly wrong to marry for money and/or material comfort, it is equally horrid to disregard finances as an important factor altogether. The brother is gonna need you to, if not make money with him, advise and support him accordingly on how to make it himself. 

BUT: a real man will not hunt you down purely because you’re a money-maker. You can make your money and be lacking in soo many departments, so don’t let that paper get to you, honey, you’ll end up with a gold-digging Ben10.

5. Loyalty, Honor & Respect

Ultimately, that is number 1 man’s desire; to be respected. It’s a male ego thing. You can keep your food, keep your romance, you can keep your booty, and you can keep your cookie (Lol, I’m kidding about the cookie, they love the cookie…) But really, if you give him honor, you be loyal, give him some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, you pamper his ego, make him feel important, stay true to his grind and hustle, you’ve pretty much got him on lock-down.

Myles Munroe puts it something like this; “God never told woman to love a man, he said HONOR HIM. God knew what he was talking about.” 

Respect his provision, respect his character, respect his hustle, respect his family, respect his leadership and authority, respect his job, respect his momma, respect his maleness, respect his reputation, respect his home, and for goodness sake, respect YOURSELF for him. 

 Learn this.

6. Brains

Do not get it twisted; blonde ain’t cute, blond is dumb, don’t be dumb. I’ve met enough stupid girls, I feel so sorry for the brothers. Like, why you so dumb though? And no, I’m not talking about knowledge, or UNAM degrees. I’m, talking about wisdom, sound judgment and good reason. And no, I’m not talking about having something to say about everything, I’m talking about knowing when to shut up as well.

“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.” - Proverbs 4:7

Read a book. Get a mentor. Learn from the grey-heads. Be wise.

7. Booty

Your body will age, boobs will sag, lines will show, bulges will appear, hair will fall off, face will wrinkle and not even a MAC-products bag will fix it. You know it and so does he (if he is wise enough). Any man is a fool to behold beauty and booty as priority in finding a suitable partner. (You can ask any man that’s married for the second time.) But most men aren’t fools, you see, you can’t fool them with your cute Instagram selfies. So, take care of your body, yes, but you will be utterly shocked at how completely incapable your booty is to hold down a marriage when the popo hits the fan. I’ve seen enough hot couples sign divorce papers. 

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting” – says the good book of the Lord

But honey, remember this:

To do:
Analyse yourself, reflect on your goodies, grab a pen and paper and think about it. Write down everything you believe you have to offer, like I did (include everything: you're a prayer warrior, you're beautiful, you're caring, you're financially savvy, you can cook, and yes, he who has the cookie, has the power, and so on). So that next time a nigger tries to make you feel worthless, refer to your list and remind yourself that you're a prize,you're a gem, you're a damm good woman and anybody who cannot realise it ain't worth a second of your time!