Things they hardly tell you about marriage

So many souls out here getting engaged, getting married and being all sorts of serious about commitment, so I decided to blog about marriage, because in the midst of it all; divorce rates are horrifically high. And yes, I’ve never been married before, but I’m a pseudo Divorce lawyer, so I kinda know what I’m talking about. 

Here is a list of some things I believe they hardly tell us about marriage, which is a real pity, coz most of us just enter this thing in a sort of delusion. One of the biggest reasons marriages aren’t working is because satan hates marriage sooo much, you have no idea. I don’t mean to be all spiritual about it, but that’s the truth. Marriage is a spiritual institution, created by God for our utmost enjoyment and for God’s glory, so it kinda makes a lot of sense why the devil would attack it like crazy. So, yeah, that’s the first thing on the list:

1. There’s a reason why marriages are solemnized in church, why vows are exchanged, why an oath is made to God and why they say “What God has put together, let no man put asunder”. And as weird as this may sound to you; that reason is God. Marriage is a God-thing, a union created by Himself and so if you take God out of the equation, you’re kinda doomed.

2. The beginning is sure to be awkward. Like, I don’t know how they never tell us this one. It can’t be just normal, going to church all dressed up, exchanging vows and you have to go home with this person, for like “ever”. The thought of it is just soo awkward. So, you move in together and you’re sort of just supposed to wing it, share a toilet and forsake most of your me-time, your personal space and stuff. Repeat after me: Awkwaardd. 

3. Marriage is not for kids. You think you know this one, but no, you don’t. And I’m not talking about age; there’s a bunch of 30 year olds and late 20s-year olds out there acting like 19 year olds. Yes, I’m talking to you. Marriage is not for immature people who are out here on about how they look, what people think about them and people with a mentality of “What can I get out of it” or, as my Pastor says “Gimme, gimme, my name is Jimmy” mentality. If you’re out here being immature, do us all favour, keep your diapers on, don’t propose to a woman or accept a ring, and spare us the bitter "marriage sucks" Facebook status.

4. Marriage magnifies who you are when you are single. If he has a hot temper before he marries you, wait until he has to wake up irritated by your morning breath and unkempt hair every annoying morning of his life! If she is stubborn before you marry her, you’ve got a bull-headed Godzilla to face for the rest of your life. If someone is aggressive, selfish, materialistic, lazy and inconsiderate before they marry you, a piece of paper from court will only magnify those qualities. If your partner is unfaithful and sleeping around while y’all is dating or courting, marriage is not gonna make them faithful.

5. You are not always going to be attracted to each other. Oh dear friend, I hope you remember this one 5 years into your marriage. In fact, you may look at the person lying next to you in bed one day and think “So this is it? For ever?” And when that day comes, I hope for your sake, my darling, you remember that It is absolutely normal, and nothing is wrong with your marriage. 

6. You’ll still have friends; they just won’t matter as much. Or at all. Be prepared to have your spouse as your best friend. There is really no reason why you would have a confidant who isn’t the one you married, suchness is just relational adultery.  And of course, if you marry while most of your friends aren’t, they might criticise you for abandoning them, they may call you out for it and complain, but whatever, they’ll understand one day when they’re hitched, too.

7. Children change everything. They are financially demanding, physically exhausting (ask parents about babies that are wide awake at 3 a.m.) and emotionally overwhelming. And boy can they shake up a marriage! They can also be an overwhelming joy. As long as you realise that they don’t fix a broken marriage. On that note, try not to have children the minute you get married, solidify that union and enjoy your partner before the doting ones take over your life…

8. It's not a happily ever after thing. Actually, I’ve never heard a real person say that about their life. I’ve only seen it on T.V. Oh Hollywood, why hast thou deceived us so? Saying “I do” doesn’t make life magical. You don’t drive off into the beautiful sun set with your bride and start your lovely life. No, as a matter of fact, you drive off to your one-bedroom flat for whose rent you have to pay the following week and on Monday, you have to go to a job you probably hate . Life continues. Normal life. No glitters. Except of course, you do the life-thing with someone you chose, someone you hopefully love a whole lot, coz it does make things better when the stress on bills is mounting. 

9. Divorce is a possibility if you make it an option. The thing is, nobody wants their marriage to end in Divorce, but it’s alarming how people say things like “If it doesn’t work, I’ll just get out of it.” No, you don’t “just get out of it”, it’s a marriage, not a job at the Grove Mall. And what’s this about “It’s not what I signed up for"? That’s crap. Yes, it is what you signed up for. The anger, the tress, the arguments, the overbearing mother-in-law, the lonely moments. You signed up for it, so suck it up and stay in that marriage, because that’s what you said you would do in the good times and the bad times.  

On that note, an Ante-Nuptial Contract is just a Divorce-preparation document. My goodness, have you read one of those things?! It’s a document that talks about how “mine is mine” and “yours is yours” If anything happens, I keep my property, you don’t touch it. Absolutely horrid. 

10. Marriage is fulfilling, beautiful and definitely better than any fairy-tale you’ve ever watched. Not only does it give you a sense of stability, security, reliance and assurance that someone has actually “chosen’ and committed to do life with you, come high or low waters, but if  you marry the right person, at the right time for all the right reasons, there’s nothing quite like it. So, please, if you are, for any reason, not ready to make such a commitment to someone yet, spare us the divorce statistics, and stay in your lane until you're ready.

Also, what’s this about “Marriage just isn’t for me” crap? Like, what on earth is that about?! Love is for you? Relationships are for you? The idea of commitment is for you? Monogamy is for you? Sex is for you? Even kids are for you? But marriage isn’t? Call me old-fashioned and closed-minded, but someone definitely told you some lie that you bought into. And that somebody lives in a barbeque and has horns under his red hat… Grow up, snap out of your fears and stop annoying us with your devil-infested deviance from God’s order of things. Sharp.

Oh, and apparently,